Emotional Regulation with Mindfulness

Our feelings are guides that help us through the world. 

Fear guides us to safety.

Anger guides us to correct things that aren’t working. 

Caring pulls us towards connections. 

Emotions are useful when they occur in not overwhelming doses. 

And difficult. We lose our cool and yell. We lie awake worrying. 

Most importantly, when we get swept away by our emotions, how do we get back on track?

Emotional regulation is one of the most important skills we have. It is how we guide ourselves back when we tip the emotional scale to overload. We all can think of a day when we were emotionally off track and everything was difficult. On the contrary we can all think of a day when we were balanced and everything went smoothly. Working with our feelings is a critical part of not only our overall mental health but how we get through the days. 

We can all think of a time when we lost our head. We often look back and wonder – how did I get to that place? What happened to me? Being present to our emotions and finding the ability to respond instead of react can make all the difference. Harder than it seems when we are in the moment. 

How does mindfulness help us when we need to regulate our emotions? 

Increased self awareness 

Mindfulness means noticing how we feel. One of the biggest advantages to mindfulness is noticing how we feel before we get to a point of overload. If we can catch an emotion when it is first arising, we can take care of ourselves and regulate that emotion while it is manageable. Hopefully this can prevent it from moving into overload, keeping it in the helpful range where emotions are informative. Leading us towards making positive changes, bringing us closer to others, protecting ourselves from things in a reasonable way.

We can also apply non judgement, which helps to regulate by not inflaming our self talk with harsh criticism. 

Non judgement also helps to reduce our reactivity. When we simply notice an emotion and don’t pile on – “this is terrible!” – it helps us to practice non judgemental observation. This is definitely a tricky one because our feelings tend to be packed with lots of judgement. When we reduce judgement, we are less likely to overreact or become impulsive. 

Improved emotional distance 

Mindfulness helps us to observe how we feel from a distance. Once we notice how we feel, we become the observer. We are less entrenched in feelings. If we recognize our emotions as things that naturally come and go, we decrease our attachment and are more able to flex with them. We see them as the temporary things that they are instead of making them defining parts of ourselves. Maintaining this emotional distance reduces the intensity of negative emotions – we are the observer. Not trapped within an emotion. 

Seeing emotions from the point of the observer helps us to maintain balance, it gives us the perspective to see emotions for what they are – passing feelings, things that can be helpful guides when they remain in proportion, and also things that we are able to manage.

Simply having the self confidence to know that we CAN manage difficult emotions will go a long way in our practice. When we know we can trust ourselves with our emotions, we bolster ourselves with this knowledge. We don’t have to fear getting angry or feeling sad because we know we can handle it. 

We can all be better at regulating our emotions in certain situations. We all have triggers, things that will hit us right in that vulnerable place so we react out of deep habit. Perhaps not in a way that we prefer when we think of our best self. 

We are all human, all working through difficulties, there’s no shame in finding ourselves in emotional overload. This is something I appreciated about learning from Jack Kornfeild. He’s a highly regarded teacher, having taught for 50 years now, and he is very candid about how he was a very angry young man, and he still gets angry. Meditation and mindfulness doesn’t make him superhuman. It does mean that he gets less angry than he did before he learned these tools. He also regulates his emotions so doesn’t stay angry for long. It’s not like the frustrating parts of life no longer touch you once you practice mindfulness. 

So we are all working on this, even those who seem to have it down. 

There are many tools we can use to reign in our emotions when we need to.

We can connect to our breath. We can take a break if it’s appropriate. We can sit with our feelings if that is what’s needed. Take a walk. Sit and meditate. Whatever works for you. 

We can also know that sometimes when we are depleted, it is more difficult to regulate our emotions. We can give ourselves grace in those times and use self compassion if we find ourselves tipping into more extreme emotions. Who hasn’t snapped because they are exhausted?  

Here’s an interesting tip for emotional regulation that is science backed: 

Distanced self talk

We can talk to ourselves as if we are counseling someone else. Distanced self talk is coaching yourself through a situation by talking to yourself, using your own name or calling yourself “You” as if you are talking to someone else.  Humans are notoriously bad at taking our own advice. For some reason, when we are navigating intense emotions, if we use distanced self talk, it helps us calm down and reason more wisely. “Come on, Cynthia, you can figure this out. Let’s think”. This can actually be a strategy for working with our emotions. 

Our senses are all closely connected to emotions as well. We can use smell, taste, sound and sight to trigger both positive and negative emotions. Think of the movie industry – all they are doing is using sight and sound to trigger our emotions! There are smells we find comforting. Songs that lift us up. Pets that we can cuddle. When we are feeling stressed or down or even just need an energy boost we can also lean into our senses and find things that bring us comfort or even joy. 

The thing about regulating our emotions is that it will be different for every person. What works for you won’t work for someone else. We can also respond better to certain regulators based on the situation – one day is different from the next. 

If we learn anything from meditation, it’s that every day is different from the next. We meet ourselves where we are. 

There is no one size fits all way to work with emotions. It’s important to do what works for us. Try a few of these ideas and see what works. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Building Positive Feelings with Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a non judging, receptive awareness. Unfortunately, most of the time we don’t pay attention in this way. Instead we react, judging wether we like, dislike or can ignore what is happening. We measure our experience against expectation, We evaluate ourselves and others with a stream of commentary and criticism.

 

 When people initially turn to meditation they hope to become calm and peaceful. Usually they are in for a big shock. Learning mindfulness reveals it’s opposite. An unseen stream of judgement and evaluation. Or we may feel bored and dislike the boredom. We hear a sound and wish for quiet. We have a body ache and wish we had a different seat. We can’t feel our breath and fear we are doing it all wrong. We notice our mind chattering and feel like a failure. Then we have a thought of someone we are angry at and get upset, caught in that story…..on and on.

 

When we are mindful, we sit in experience without judgement or expectation. This is how it is. 

 

We often compare where we are to others. We compare ourselves to how we have been on other days. But we don’t have to. 

 

We can put aside these weapons of judgement. We can learn to accept reality for what it is. 

 

I like the term weapons of judgement because that’s exactly what they are. Judgement is protective. Tools we are using to protect ourselves, like weapons. Protecting ourselves from disappointment, from feeling left out, from being less than, not meeting a societal expectation. 

 

We know that our various mind states are ever changing. And when we are in judgement, it can tip into unwholesome states like anger that we aren’t some way, dissapointment or sadness that we aren’t a certain way or have a certain thing, jealousy that someone else is a certain way, even fear that things we hope for won’t ever happen. It can also expand into positive states if we frame it that way. We can hold admiration for what someone has achieved, gratitude for what we do have, satisfaction that we are enough, and recognize our own potential.   

 

Transforming Jealousy to Joy

 

I want to frame jealousy for just a moment though. When we compare ourselves to some aspect of our former selves – it could be I used to have a better haircut, those pants used to fit, I used to be able to do X, we are actually invoking jealousy for something that isn’t present. It also lacks self compassion to turn comparison on ourselves. We all do this in small ways. We might blame ourselves and think we should be better, or other than we actually are.

 

“Mindfulness is not and cannot be about improving yourself, because you are already whole, already complete, already perfect, including all of your imperfections.” – Jon Kabat Zinn

 

Jealousy often arises when we compare ourselves to others. In this day of social media, it’s very easy to get caught up in this kind of comparison. It’s designed to make us jealous. People posting snippets of their lives that leave out anything negative and show themselves in an envy inducing light. Sometimes this works, sometimes we may see through it. Either way, here is a suggestion. 

 

When we see someone doing well, we can also choose sympathetic joy. Sympathetic joy is the idea of feeling joy for a person who is in a good place. Thinking “I’m happy for them” instead of “I wish my life was that perfect.” (Also we know their life isn’t perfect because there is no such thing.) 

 

It’s a powerful turn. To go from jealousy to joy. 

 

We can make the choice to enliven ourselves with joy when we see others succeeding in some way. 

In doing so, we incline ourselves towards joy and reduce the human tendency towards negativity. 

 

Sitting mindfully with our sorrows and fears is an act of courage. It is NOT easy. We all have things we don’t want to face, even if they are buried deep, sometimes they arise when we make space for them. 

 

Letting them arise and giving them space – acceptance – is the path to letting them go. 

 

With patience and courage, we can learn how to sit in our difficuly. How to let floods of emotions arise and fall and not run away. Our culture trains us to push down, to run away from what is unpleasant. This counterintuitive practice of allowing and accepting things we don’t like can be very hard to adapt to.

 

When we drop away from the judgement and simply see these things for what they are, we can relax and let them go, steady the mind and come back to the present.

 

“By facing the fear and terror I became free.” – Buddha

 

Jack Kornfield tells a story of his life as a young monk in Thailand. When a body was brought in to the monetary for cremation, they would take it into the forest to a funeral pyre. The monks would sit and attend to the fire, gradually leaving until one monk would remain overnight in the forest to tend the fire. He says “ As it turned out, sitting in the dark forest with it’s tigers and snakes was easier than sitting with my inner demons. My insecurity, loneliness, shame and boredom came up. All my frustrations and hurts. Sitting with these took more courage than sitting in the dark jungle. Little by little I learned to face them with mindfulness, to make a clearing within the dark woods of my own heart.”

 

We cling to things we have because we don’t want them to change. We crave things we don’t have thinking they will make a difference. Once we accept that everything is changing all the time, we can let go of attachment and craving.

The Great News of Impermanence

 

When we meditate, we observe all things coming and going. Feeling tone in the body. The body is ever changing and we can observe that when we sit. We notice sounds rise and fall, maybe a breeze comes into the room. 

 

The bad news is that nothing stays the same. And that is also the good news! Nothing stays the same, so when we things aren’t great we can know this is temporary and things will improve. That is the incredible good news of impermanence. 

 

The key to acceptance is presence. We learn how to accept this impermanence by being present to the moment we are in now. It’s all we have – don’t miss it! If we spend all our time lost in thought of past or future, we truly miss what is going on now. This is where mindfulness can change everything. There is continuous possibility in the present moment. This is where we can make an impact. In the moment. 

We can reduce our own suffering when we accept impermanence, stop resisting and appreciate that this moment will pass. 

 

This feeling of acceptance is open, it is expansive. Saying yes. When we are in this space of allowing, this is the energetic feeling. You might have a sensation of relaxing, not resisting. Recognize this feeling. We can call upon it when we need to be accepting.

 

There is the saying “where attention goes, energy flows”. We can bring our attention to this state of mind to create acceptance in ourselves. 

 

When we push against what is, things we don’t want….and resist, they stick. We can only release what we want to let go of when we move into a state of allowing. Allowing things to be as they are creates a softness where we can let go. 

 

“Impermanence is a principle of harmony. When we don’t struggle against it, we are in harmony with reality.”  – Pema Chodron

 

Mindfulness makes us resilient and flexible. We can release judgement, find acceptance and know that everything is ever changing. Such good news! 

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Awakening Joy

Truth, beauty, and goodness delights us. We can rejoice in them.

 

Mindfulness does not have to be all about reducing stress. It can also be about tuning in to wonder and joy, appreciating the beautiful things in life. 

 

Mindfulness is derived from Buddhism. While I do not purport to be teaching Buddhism, sometimes I will reference ideas that come from Buddhism as a way to explain mindfulness concepts.

Buddhism does not worship a God, or consider Buddha a god. He was a man who found enlightenment on earth and shared his knowledge with others.

Here is one.

 

A concept in Buddhism is that we all have “Buddha Nature”.

 

This means that we all have within us the ability to be like Buddha. This meant that we could be peaceful, and also that we could be happy. A nickname for the historical Buddha was “The Happy One.”

We probably all know that the most beautiful things in life are not necessarily posessions. It’s often people, places, memories that make us happy. Smiles, laughter, joyous moments.

 

We can cultivate joy. We can know where happiness lies and turn our attention there.

 

In Buddhism there are states defined as wholesome or unwholesome. Envy, greed, anger – these are unwholesome states. Compassion, gratitude, balance, ease. These are wholesome states.

 

We can also expand this. All beneficial desires create wholesome states. Wanting to help others, working to improve ourselves, wanting to be a good parent, taking care of a pet, donating to causes that do beneficial work, doing a favor to a friend, holding a door open for a stranger.

These are all beneficial acts that help us to be in a wholesome state.

 

We can guard against unwholesome states and cultivate wholesome ones.

 

This encourages joy by inclining us in that direction. Like a sunflower reaching for the sun, we can turn our attention towards joy.

Don’t let the word JOY trip you up. You can use gladness, contentment, happiness, ease….whatever resonates with you.

 

It may also help to know that there are positive states, negative states and neutral states. Boredom is a perfect example of a neutral state.

The thing about boredom is that it will naturally tip one way or the other depending on what you mindfully incline towards.

 

We can also know that unwholesome states tend to result in contraction in the body – stress, tension, resistance.

Wholesome states, on the other hand, are expansive. They lend themselves to relaxation, acceptance, peace.

 

 

If you can’t tell what kind of state you are in, you can try to tap into the body and notice if there is tension or relaxation. That can point you in the direction of your energetic state.

 

When we notice we are in a wholesome state, we can try to maintain it.

This can be elusive at first, if we are chasing a feeling.

We simply notice and say to ourselves, “Oh, I am grateful” “I feel compassionate” “That was a generous moment.”

When we do this, we recognize our beneficial state. This gives the experience more life.

 

-Stop and see how it feels

-Pay attention

-Really take it in with appreciation

 

Joy, contentment, peace – whatever you call it – is our true nature at the source. It doesn’t have to look like skipping exuberantly down the street. It can be simple happiness, appreciation.

Think of all the everyday things you can appreciate. Running water. A perfectly ripe piece of fruit. A sunset. The greeting of a faithful pet. If we just look around, we can find things that make us happy in their small way.

 

Here’s a question: Is it possible for you to lean into feeling good for 15 seconds?

 

If you can lean into positive feelings for 90 seconds each day, you will deepen your neural pathways towards positivity. Once you deepen the neural pathways, you will find these positive feelings more easily and be able to dwell in them more.

 

90 seconds = 15 seconds x 6. That’s 15 seconds of appreciation 6 times a day for 2 weeks.

90 seconds of lingering in happiness. It could be a real attitude shift for you.

 

If you are familiar with confirmation bias, it’s that our brains will find what we want to find.

Kind of like when you get a new car and all of a sudden you see that car everywhere. There probably aren’t more of them than last week, it’s just that you are noticing them more because of a personal connection.

 

We can also create an appreciation bias. When we start appreciating things more, we will find more to appreciate.

 

“Whatever one frequently thinks and ponders upon will become the inclination of the mind” – Buddha

 

There is so much suffering in the world right now. It seems to be getting worse. This is not to suggest that we ignore the suffering or negative things.

 

We only add to suffering by dwelling in it. The suggestion is still to notice and reduce what suffering we can, and not linger there. We can also appreciate what’s good for ourselves and in the world.

 

Awakening Joy can be a subversive act. Joy is an act of resistance.

 

Resisting those who wish to hold us back, resisting our own impulse to remain small in the face of difficulty.

 

Light your own fire and burn bright. When we savor the small things, we can expand these feelings and incline towards joy like a sunflower.

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What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a common English word that means paying attention. When we talk about being mindful, it is paying full attention to the present moment with an open and curious attitude. It is being aware of where we are and what we are doing without judging it. 

 

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.”

– Thich Nhat Hahn    

 

While this can be easier said than done, mindfulness is a quality that every person possesses. You only have to practice to know how to access it. We all have done so in the past. When we recall treasured memories, there is usually an aspect of mindfulness there. 

Let’s do a little exercise. Think of a favorite moment – it could be recent like from the holidays or a favorite place or vacation from years ago. You were most likely with people you loved or doing one of your favorite things or in a favorite location.  Go there for a moment – close your eyes and remember. You were all most likely fully absorbed in the moment. You weren’t planning to be somewhere else or wanting to move on quickly to the next task at hand. You were there in the now, savoring what was happening. You were mindful. 

The good news is, we can cultivate this same state no matter what is going on by simply using a few tools. Like any skill, this takes practice. Also like all skills, as you practice, it becomes easier and easier.

 

The key is that our thoughts are constantly changing, everything is constantly changing and we have the capacity to be present with it all. Good feelings arise, bad feelings arise, but then they go again. It’s ever changing, so when we get wrapped up in something, mindfulness helps us to recall that this too shall pass. This helps us to unwind from discomfort and by doing so experience more inner peace. On the other hand, when things are good we can use mindfulness to fully savor that experience as well. 

 

There are two aspects of mindfulness. Formal and informal practice. Formal practice is what we know as meditation. There are hundreds of kinds of meditation. Mindfulness Meditation stems from a Buddhist practice called Vippasana, which comes from the Theravada school of Buddhism. Theravada is the oldest form of Buddhism, preserving a version of the original Buddha’s teachings. It’s important to recognize and honor the tradition from which these teachings come. Mindfulness, however, is not Buddhism. It’s been adapted to western culture in a way that is non- religious. Practicing mindfulness does not make you Buddhist, nor does it interfere with any religious beliefs or practices you may have. 

 

Mindfulness Meditation was brought to America in the 1970’s by a few pioneers who went to Asia and studied as monks. They took what they learned and adapted it for Western culture. It is also sometimes called Insight Meditation. From a small movement at the time, it’s grown exponentially to a worldwide phenomenon over the past 50 years.

 

The second aspect of mindfulness is informal practice.  Informal practice is mindfulness in our daily activities. This really is where the magic happens, in my opinion. I meditated for YEARS and still found myself stressed out and reactive, especially at work. Meditating was definitely helpful to my stress level, but it was my daily reactivity to stressful situations that I wanted to work on. I didn’t know how, until these tools were taught to me. We all have stressors in our day to day. Work, family, time pressures, health, a recent global pandemic, political instability, wars. It is not an easy time in the world right now.

There are ways to apply mindfulness to things that bring stress and really see a benefit in how we react. Mindfulness changes our reactions to responses. Reactions tend to be automatic patterns of behavior that we have learned over time. A response is a thoughtful, non reactive reply that can come from a place of calm. We don’t have to change who we are or what’s important to us. We can simply learn to check in with ourselves and respond from a calm and centered place. 

 

The key is we need to practice these tools when we aren’t triggered so that when we are triggered we have access to the tools. 

Why mindfulness? There are thousands of studies on mindfulness and more being published all the time.

The benefits are numerous – stress reduction, performance enhancement, improved focus, more emotional regulation, and an increase in feelings of wellbeing.  

 

When long time meditators are studied, their brain function is recorded as that of a much younger person. Meditation has shown to lengthen the telomeres in brain cells, which are linked to aging. So it legit is an anti-aging tool. It’s also simply a break in the day for us to suspend judgement and simply enjoy being. When we meditate, we begin to understand how our mind works. It is a tool for befriending one’s own mind. 

 

“Mindfulness isn’t difficult. We just need to remember to do it.” -Sharon Salzberg

 

Meditation came into my life when I was a teenager. My mom went on a weekend meditation retreat. When she returned, my family could all see a difference. She was more relaxed, less reactive to daily stresses. It got to the point where if she would snap, my sisters and I (all teenagers at the time, infusing the sass here) would all tell her she really needed to go meditate. She decided to go back to do the retreat again. I raised my hand and asked if I could go along. I’d seen such positive changes in her that it seemed like something worth exploring. I am tru

ly grateful for this experience and grateful to you for reading today! 

So this is what meditation is. Here are some of the myths and things that meditation is not. 

 

#1 Myth –  Perhaps the most common misperception about meditation is that the goal is to have no thoughts. This is completely not true. The mind’s job is to think, just as the heart’s job is to beat. We pay atte

ntion to our thoughts and let them go. It’s the letting them go that is the critical part. Not to get stuck in a loop – although you will get stuck in a loop. I still do. I simply catch myself and go back to the breath. Noticing 

 

and coming back is the essence of practice. Noticing and coming back is the essence of practice. 

 

#2 Myth – Meditation is always peaceful

When we quiet our minds. Crappy things will eventually come up. It will be uncomfortable. It’s human nature to not want to deal with this – to avoid it, push the uncomfortable feelings away. As we make mental space thru meditation, our mind is going to eventually go to things that are unpleasant. Why did I snap at my partner like that, why did I let that coworker get to me? It can even go deeper and bring up unresolved issues from years ago. I have had difficult moments from years past pop up out of nowhere in meditation. 

 

When this happens, we need to BE KIND TO OURSELVES. In all of this, self compassion is key. If something comes up that is traumatic and you can’t tolerate it, it is absolutely appropriate to come out of the meditation. If it’s not intolerable, the invitation is to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, because the point is that they will come and they will go. The idea is to not get wrapped up in these uncomfortable thoughts, but to accept them, allow them, and let them go. This is how meditation can help process. Truly it is in these moments that great insight can happen. So again, we are not NOT thinking as we meditate.

 

Myth #3 – Mindfulness will make me happy all the time. Mindfulness isn’t a cure all for the unpleasantness in life. It will change our relationship to the unpleasantness and perhaps make it less unpleasant. Even my teachers – who have both been teaching for 40 years – talk about how they still get stressed. They know how to react skillfully to stress, so they react less and get over it quicker. I have definitely seen this change in myself over the years. I am far less reactive to things. Practicing mindfulness won’t make your kid behave impeccably, remove all traffic jams, or shorten the insufferable line at the grocery store. 

 

Myth #4 – Meditation is all in your head

We have mindfulness of thought, which is more of a head centered meditation, but we also have mindfulness of the body, where we focus on bodily sensation and less on thoughts. The body is, in fact, a very important part of how we process thoughts and feelings. So it is not purely the mind we are concerned with, but also the body and emotions as well.  

 

Myth #5 – Meditation is just a relaxation technique. 

True, meditation will relax you. You can decide that relaxation is all you need from these practices. As noted before, meditation is a tool of self awareness, which can bring greater inner peace as we learn to work with our own triggers and stressors. Befriending ourselves, and being clear on who we are and where we want to go is also a huge benefit of meditation. 

 

Myth #5 – Meditation can replace my therapist.

While meditation can do great things for our emotional state, meditation definitely can be healing. However, it is not a replacement for therapy. It is not a replacement for medication. It can do wonders when combined with these other modalities for healing. 

 

Meditation is also not instant enlightenment. Lofty thoughts are not to be striven for, nor are they to be avoided. They can absolutely be a pleasant side note in meditation. There is the idea of achieving nirvana in Buddhism. That is not what we are after, nor is it an expectation in this kind of meditation. Vippasana meditation – which mindfulness comes out of – is watching your life unfold moment by moment. Whatever comes up, comes up. 

 

This is a no judgement zone. This is a self compassion zone. The two wings of mindfulness are Mindfulness and Self Compassion. They are equally important. We experience all things with gentleness, we don’t beat ourselves up for not being perfect. We accept that we are human, therefore imperfect and we move on. When kindness is present, judgement and harshness will naturally recede. This is why the wing of compassion is so important.  

 

How do we make this a habit? 

For formal practice: Determine a space where you go to meditate that preferably doesn’t need setting up or cleaning off. Pick a time and a place where you can be undisturbed. Personally, my key is waking up earlier and doing it first thing. Maybe for others it’s better as you end your day, maybe it’s after work to decompress before you begin your personal time. The best time to meditate is the time that works for you. One suggestion is to use reminders. Put a sticky note somewhere, or set an alarm on your phone. 

 

So what is the posture? Meditation can be done seated, there are walking meditations, we can stand or lie down – although lying down can lead to sleep. (That can be great for helping to fall asleep) If you choose to meditate lying down, the recommendation is to keep your knees bent and feet flat – this way if you fall asleep your knees will most likely fall and wake you. When we sit, we should be in a posture that allows us to be both relaxed and alert. One idea is holding our posture like a king or a queen on a throne – relaxed and alert. 

 

How long to meditate? It is not necessary to sit for very long periods. 5 or 10 minutes a day can be enough if you find yourself time pressured.  I set a goal for 20 minutes a day, but if I only have 10 minutes I don’t worry about it. As a side note, recent research shows that 12 minutes a day, 5 times a week will have a positive impact on strengthening and retaining your ability to pay attention. What matters most is consistency. Goalsetting for a daily 5 minute practice is better than once a week for an hour that you never actually find time for. It’s about creating a habit that works for you. 

 

Looking for guided meditations? Check out my YouTube channel with plenty of free ones of different lengths and topics. 

 

https://www.youtube.com/@BeSimplyMindful

 

How to start informal practice:

This first invitation is learning to use a pause. There is space between actions and RE-actions. If we can get into this space, breathe, and pause before reacting, we can respond more wisely to situations. If we don’t practice when we are non-reactive, though, we won’t have the ability when we ARE reactive. Pausing needs to become a habit. Suggestions include before every meeting begins, or before you pick up your phone, before sitting down to a meal, when you enter a certain room. Maybe it’s every time you open your email. Whenever that thing happens, just stop. Pause. Breathe in, breathe out. Notice where you are and how you feel in this moment. Sticky notes can be excellent as a reminder here. See my expanded blog post on pausing for more details. Good luck!

 

I truly am here to share these potentially life changing techniques and to be of service to anyone who is interested in mindfulness. I welcome your feedback, questions and comments. 

 

Mindfully, 

Cynthia

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The Power of Becoming Our Own Friend Through Meditation

Becoming Our Own Friend

 

Befriending is an important quality of mindfulness. This is different than self compassion. Self compassion is used to ease our difficulties that have already arisen. When we make a mistakes when something doesn’t go our way. When we are sufferring, we are instructed to use self compassion, to soothe ourselves. To bring ourselves back into balance after falling out of it.  

 

In self compassion we USE inner friendliness. Treating ourselves as we would a good friend. 

 

Befriending ourselves is an attitude or a stance that we can maintain as best we can no matter the circumstances. Habitually. Treating ourself as a good friend, and treating things that arise in a friendly way.  So, when things are good and when things are not so good, we maintain a positive outlook towards ourself. 

 

There’s a subtle difference between the two.  Our usual response to petty difficulties is harsher than perhaps any of us want to admit. 

What is up with my hair today. I look tired. Ugh, I hate how these pants make my butt look…

We are all conditioned to do this to ourselves, and we don’t have to. It’s been learned over time and we don’t need to do it. When we do these things, we are not using friendliness towards ourselves. 

 

Mindfulness is an act of hospitality. It’s learning to treat ourselves with kindness and care. With practice, this can slowly begin to seep into the deepest recesses of our being. We can also encourage the possibility of relating to others in this same manner. 

 

Befriending yourself in meditation is part of developing your own practice. We are all different, there are things that will work for some more than others. We can lean into what works for us. Choosing a supportive anchor is one way to befriend ourselves, making it easier to meditate. Some people don’t do well with the breath and are better of focusing on sensations in the hands or feet. 

 

Just like we would invite a guest in to our home and offer them a comfortable seat, encouraging inner friendliness includes our own comfort. 

If sitting cross legged doesn’t work for you, then perhaps you should lie down or sit in a chair. Doing what we need in the moment and allowing that to be different on different days. Just because you always sit doesn’t mean you can’t choose a different position if you feel like that’s what you need. 

One way to offer self kindness is through metta.  

 

We can use whatever words resonate. 

 

Traditional:

May I be safe.

Mayb I be free from suffering,

May I be peaceful.

 

May I be healthy. 

May I be energized. 

 

Tara Brach likes to tell herself “It’s okay, I care.”

Putting a hand on the heart can also sometimes be enough. 

 

Or we can resource. Envision someone who cares deeply for you. It could even be a pet or a spiritual figure – and feel their love flooding in. 

It’s asking us to step in to the circle of kindness and include ourselves. 

 

We don’t judge the meditator. 

 

Working with whatever is present is enough. We will always find moments of self criticism that are ripe for working with.  There is no need to condemn ourselves for not feeling friendly to ourselves. We all get depleted, there are times when our reserves of inner kindness feel empty. The thing is, we can often access them if we sit and get quiet. Kindness is not a finite thing. It’s not that it’s gone – it’s just temporarily inaccessible. 

 

Our ability to ACT upon kindness might be strained. When we are stressed, tired, ill – doing things can feel hard. Making efforts to reach out to others, to take actions may be hard to find. Yet the well of good feeling FOR OURSELVES is always there if we need it. 

 

We simply ask to entertain the possibility of offering hospitality towards ourselves no matter the circumstances. When in the more strained or difficult times this is all the more important.  We bring our whole selves to the meditation cushion. Sometimes there is a mood, an annoyance, something we are processing that comes along with us. That’s all part of it – allowing what is. 

 

One of the most important parts of meditation is maintaining a stance of friendliness to ourselves and to whatever arises. This is part of the friendliness piece that is so important. Our usual response to difficulty is to strategize how we might get away from it. What if we took our attitude of friendliness and turned that on our difficulties? When we are struggling with our feelings, it tends to make them stronger. 

 

We all feel like if we can just control our difficulties then we might wrangle them into submission. It works in our favor to turn a friendliness towards them. When it comes to feelings, caring and acceptance is a better path. You could say the path of love is to befriend whatever it is that we find difficult. 

 

This can also go for our difficult thoughts about ourselves – I always do the wrong thing in this situation, I should be other than I am. What if we turned it around and welcomed that difficulty with love and friendliness?  It does seem counterintuitive. Bringing in these things we don’t like, these things we push away. 

 

We can take a tiny step by experimenting. This process can take time. When we befriend a feeling, we can start in the body. Our feelings wish for acceptance, just like we do. If we take time to sit WITH tough feelings as they arise, we can slowly begin to befriend them. To trust them. Eventually = and this can take months – it will eventually untangle itself from us. Feelings come with stories. There is a story behind the stuckness. When we sit with difficult feelings, we can ask – what is the story you have to tell me? What do you want me to know? And see what arises.  This can be a challenging practice, but it does work if you give it a chance and be patient. There are stuck parts of all of us that just want to be listened to.

Getting out of our comfort zone can be difficult and also very rewarding.  

 

We can also befriend our thoughts. Often, we get lost in thought. Do we let the thought anger us, or do we allow the thought to be there?

This is when the aspect of inner friendliness is so important. We can be welcoming to whatever arises, not push away, not resist. Consider our act of hospitality. 

Welcome all your moods and emotions as they arise, knowing that there is space for everything. It is possible to keep a stance of inner friendliness on the cushion and off.  

 

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Reducing Stress In The Body, In The Moment

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The body feels before the mind reacts. Then we attach a feeling only after the body/mind has started its reaction. Embodiment allows us to sense thoughts and emotions as they are arising, before we begin to react. Feeling subtle contraction and shifts in the body allows a response instead of a reaction. As we become more familiar with the states of the body/mind we can notice when and how harmful states arise.

 

These are what we call skillful means. Being more in the body, or embodied, allows us to stop harmful states in their tracks. States like anxiety, anger, fear. 

 

When things are uncomfortable, we want to be anywhere but in the body. This is when we love to distract ourselves – we’re bored, lonely, anxious, stressed….we don’t want to be there so we indulge in all our habits like procrastination, numbing out, overeating….

 

The opposite is actually more helpful. We can sense the Signals of things arising so that we have a choice. Before we are overtaken. The body will sense a thought or emotion before it is actually cognized. We don’t experience this particularly because it’s very fast. The body automatically responds to stress before we know what is happening before thoughts or emotions occur. One of the reasons to practice mindfulness is to slow things down so that we can be in each moment and work in these small increments. We often have big swaths of time when we say I don’t even know what happened there. A ton of things happened! I don’t know where it started. I don’t know where it went.  I’m exhausted and now I need to recover.

 

  If we can slow the speed of processing down we can sense a signal the beginning of tension. We all have one or two places where feelings arise if we’ve begun to notice that. And it can be different for everyone, as well as different for different emotions joy arises in a different place than anger. Once we know where certain feelings arise, it’s easier to know them and notice them before they run away with us. The body almost always raises its hand to us, hey here i am constricting getting uncomfortable… Notice me! Boom now you’re in the feeling. We aren’t trained very well to listen to the body. It’s not how we’ve been brought up in our culture. We are not great at recognizing emotions. Story of girl on date getting flu thinking it’s attraction

 

No reason to blame or be embarrassed, it’s not how we are culturally aware of the body at the moment. We can sensitize ourselves to the body and be more sensitive to what is arising before it turns into full blown episodes of something. Fear. Anxiety. Anger. All the experiences we consider negative, all the experiences that cause us to suffer. These are ways to reduce our suffering known as skillful means. Being more aware of the body so we can notice what is arising and work with it.

Being embodied is also known as interception or being aware of what’s going on inside the body; the marker for this is generally if you can feel your heartbeat. Some people can, some of us can’t and some of us don’t want to. When the heart really fast do you want to focus on that? Probably not. We can learn to increase this ability, but we are all different. This is more easy for some than others no judgment – not good or bad.  Just inner awareness.

 

As meditators a lot of what we do is noticing the body and breath. Interception is now blending more with contemplative science to include thoughts and feelings. Noticing where we are internally while we move through the external world. This takes practice, period. It’s not again what we are taught when we meditate we are practicing this noticing.

We most often notice discomfort after it has taken over. This is not to stop feeling what we need to express like sadness and grief, we aren’t trying to squash those kinds of feelings. This is more about feelings of discomfort like anger and anxiety feelings we can know we can do without. When we let these feelings overtake us we can care for ourselves and do some self-care when we do get overwhelmed. We can use the breath take a walk journal exercise to make a comforting cup of tea talk to a trusted friend period. When we do these practices we begin to notice our own habits. Our conditioning and the more we notice or understand our habits the more we can work to unwind those that don’t serve us as well.

Habits and patterns are conditioned responses. They might be learned over the years from our family, from relationships, from our culture. We learn many ways of being that are simply learned over time. No blame, no shame. We can depersonalize this because it’s not our fault it’s just the circumstances we live in. We can always apply kindness and be gentle with ourselves about it. The thing about our habits is they can come on strongly and quickly. This is a well worn groove of experience. We are well trained in our habits Olympic gold medal winners of all our most common habits. We get used to being certain ways expect certain things and when things are not as we prefer we suffer. 

 

We notice what causes discomfort, notice it as it arises. When we feel negative emotions, we can take slow deep breaths to reset the nervous system. Next we stop, take a pause and wait a beat to respond. This short circuits our habitual reactions, that can often be conditioned ways of being that don’t serve us. Responding instead of reacting. Making different choices that are within our control.  We don’t want to sit in the discomfort so much as to find an alternate path. This can begin with embodiment, noticing where emotions are in the body. The more familiar we are with our habits of mind with our conditioning with our normal responses the more we can begin to change those and in doing so, make intentional choices that help us experience less suffering.

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Being with Uncertainty

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