Learning to Accept Things We Don’t Like
How Mindfulness Helps Us Work With Difficulty
Acceptance is an important mindfulness concept that can be hard to fully understand. It seems to imply being passive, and this can be confusing.
Acceptance in the context of mindfulness does not mean that we give up or that we ignore, or hide our heads in the sand. It’s actually a subtly active attitude. Let’s dive in.
If the word acceptance is difficult, we can also replace it with acknowledgment. I acknowledge these things. Another idea is the word allowing. When we allow something to be just as it is, we are accepting it, but the word allowing might seem somehow easier because it feels more neutral. Allowing doesn’t attach liking as much, whereas acceptance can feel like there’s a stamp of approval somehow.
I have also heard the term surrender used as another option. However we name it, it is the act of releasing control. We can’t change what already is. So we choose to reduce our own stress by allowing, surrendering, accepting, acknowledging. Whatever resonates with you, it is the same idea.
What is Acceptance in Mindfulness?
Mindful acceptance means we fully acknowledge this current moment so we can respond appropriately in the next moment. A mindful response could be full of energy, or gentle and soothing depending on the situation and what is called for.
In the course of a day, we will all experience some neutral experiences, hopefully some pleasant experiences, and perhaps some of the small discomforts. Frustrations, annoyances,minor pains.
The standard way to react to a negative experience is “I can’t believe this is happening!” So we start with a general argument with reality. “I can’t believe it”.
Step 2 is usually finding blame – who’s fault is this? We just want an explanation. Who is at fault? Often we can find a person, a situation, an institution or perhaps even ourselves to land the blame on. It feels better once we have a source of blame.
Sometimes – this IS helpful. If my credit card info was stolen, I need to find the source of the problem and do something. Perhaps sign up for a monitoring software, change passwords,etc. So here is what Buddhists call right action. Appropriate response given a real situation. These are things are real, true and actionable.
If our negative experience is with another person, maybe the right action is to sit with our thoughts, find clarity and discuss it with that person. Again, real, actionable steps. There are things we can accept in the present moment and find steps to move forward.
We Don’t Have to Like Things to Accept Them
We accept what happened as true – we don’t have to like it – and make adjustments. Not passive.
There are times when there is nothing we can do directly. When the system involved is too far removed from us to be impacted – a Supreme Court ruling for example. On our own we can’t change this from outside that system. In this case, we can still do things. We can make donations to organizations that support our beliefs, we can attend protests, we can support the people in the system who do affect change in the way we would like.
Sometimes, there is nothing we can actually do. For example, when the person involved will not change. We cannot change other people. They need to want to change. So we need to accept the things we can’t change. If this is the case, there are still indirect things we can do. Maybe we limit our exposure to them. Or limit our exposure to news about them. Set boundaries – this is in our control.
It’s important to recall that we are ccepting things and not trying to get rid of them. Accepting with the goal of pushing it away is not acceptance. We need to notice whatever it is without trying to change it at all.
If we find ourselves wishing things to be other than they are, we have moved into striving.
Non-Striving as an Attitude
Mindful acceptance is characterized by allowing an experience and letting it be. This incorporates the idea of non-striving. This is another piece of acceptance and an important idea in mindfulness. We are just letting this thing be – it is. And we can let it be – not cling to it, not push it away – but let it be. Set it down if you will.
Non striving is the practice of letting go of the urge to change our experience and accept the present moment as it is without actively “doing” anything. It’s a flexibility of mind, being open to what arises without wanting it to be different. Non striving is the attitude of letting things be as they are. We accept and stop there. It’s a shift from doing to being. Let things be as they are.
There is a sweet spot of non striving – we are active in our lives but not pushing things to be different or neglecting the present moment. Non striving is very much about being present to the moment that is, not the moment that we wish it was. It’s flexible, finding acceptance for how things evolve. Non striving is not passive. Non striving helps us by being ready to act on what is in an appropriate and flexible way.
Acceptance in a conventional sense could make is thing of being silent or passive in the face of difficulties. Mindful acceptance comes with intention. Mindful acceptance means dropping in to see how we feel in the face of things not going as we prefer them to.
We drop into mindful acceptance we notice what is true in the present – not attatching to stories or fantasies about what might be – and check in with our intentions. What is my deepest desire for how things can go from here. From this place where things may not be as we want them to be – we can ask – what is my intention for moving forward?
Is there anything here that we can control? Is there anything that I can do? We can come into our intentional place and decide what can be done. If there is nothing at all to be done, then we can try our best to allow that to be as it is. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like how things I are, it simply means you acknowledge the truth of “what is”.
Just because we allow negative things to exist in our lives doesn’t mean we have chosen not to take action.
We need to know where we are before we can get where we want to be. If we never take the time to notice where we are, we won’t be able to take appropriate action forward.
We shift from fighting the present moment to working with the present moment.
Noticing Where Difficulty Lies in the Body
It’s also helpful to work with the body when we are feeling difficulty and wish to find our way to acceptance. When we have difficult thoughts and feelings, if it’s available to drop into the body we can notice where these thoughts and feelings live. Notice what tension comes up with a thought or feeling – maybe a thought makes your chest tight. Maybe a feeling makes you clench your jaw or brings tension to the shoulders. When we take time to notice, we find that our body is always responding to us. If you do find an area of tension around a thought or feeling, relax that area. Breathe into it if you need to. Often I find that relaxing where the body responds is the first step to relaxing a difficulty.
It takes courage to turn towards discomfort or pain. Accepting and working with these is a difficult practice at first. We can use the breath to soften tension that arises. Always remembering that even a small amount of acceptance is a positive step. We don’t need to accept difficult things in one go. We can chip away and take little steps towards acceptance of the larger difficulties we face.
A Helpful Reflection for Difficulty
There is a beautiful reflection we can do when we are in difficulty. This is from the Six Perfections of Buddhism.
“The pain I am feeling now is the same pain others feel in this situation. No doubt in this very moment as I am feeling this, thousands of others are also feeling this pain. So this pain isn’t mine, it belongs to all of us. Being a person entails this pain. So as I feel and suffer it, I feel and suffer in solidarity and sympathy with others.”
You don’t need to remember that whole line ver batum. You can simply recall that anything we feel has been felt by others in similar situations many times before. “This pain isn’t mine, it belongs to all of us”.
The 3rd noble truth of Buddhism – there is an end to suffering – was meant not that we could eliminate pain, but that it is possible to shift it with solidarity and love.
These practices take time. They aren’t immediate and they require, well, practice…..
It does get easier over time.
Mindfulness practice offers the possibility of living intentionally. We can put ourselves in the sweet spot of non striving and inner stillness. Easier said than done with difficulties.
Mindfulness helps us build this skill. Mindfulness doesn’t mean we are peaceful all the time, but it is possible to be at peace with what things are.
